Connie Smith (The beginning of the end)

Connie Smith was my mother. She died one year ago today. From birth to age 16, I remember my mother being the perfect Brady Bunch mother. Always there in love and kindness and support. Then at around age 16 life turned a different color. I remember the day after Christmas hearing my parents fight and the next moment my dad was standing in the doorway with two suitcases saying goodbye. I remember going to my room and crying all night and playing "cant stop loving you" the by Outlaws over and over.

From that moment on and for the next years I became a caretaker for my mother. A boy one moment playing and enjoying life... a young man the next on my own and carrying the family along with my siblings. The divorce put her into a depression that she never came out of, as she self medicated through pharmacy prescriptions. Yes she had a small period of time where she carried herself well but shortly fell again into depression and locked herself away from me and my three siblings.

The medical community was wonderful at helping her with her addiction as each doctor and psychiatrist would treat her with more drugs to feed her habit. To doctors were gods readily available for worship.

This tailspin continued as I grew up... went to school..worked and tried to figure out life through the blessed advice and guidance of an older sister and a distant father who at that time was more and uncle. Moms depression eventually cost her our house as we had to downsize... and our house again as we had to downsize and move her into a Sr. Condo. We can all thank QVC and moms loneliness for this as mom ordered over $20.000 worth of junk each year from their great sales staff who preys on the lonely elderly.

20 Years later I still found my self caring for mom. As she would once again self medicate and call us at 2 in the morning screaming that there are animals in her room. I several times had to pick her up and drive her to the hospital where they would place her on the 4 th floor mental ward to detox. Here they would lock her in and work with her. Then they would let her go back home as if she were fine. And I would say to them see you in three months. And sure enough we would return.

There were a few times that she would clean up and become mom again. I remember one time I brought my children over to see her and for the first time in 4 years she actually saw them. She sat and talked and played with them.... as it was her first sober moment of true seeing and being with them. The rest of the time she was deeply lost in thoughts and worries. And as soon as this gift came it passed too as three months later I had to drive her back to the 4^th floor or get my sister to meet the police to escort her.

Finally after three of these games I got her into a nursing home... got power of attorney and found a wonderful assisted living home for her. She stayed there two years mainly complaining and continuing to try to manipulate the system to try to get pharms for depression. I did have a couple of normal visits I remember.

One year and two days ago I went to the hospital and there she was in a room with ???? don't even know. Mom was always in the hospital. But this time something was different. I knew she had been arguing with the siblings and fighting life, so I sat with her and talked about how to stop thought. I talked about love and how to hear the silence within the noises of the room... I talked to her about love in the present moment... how the staff is love and how she is love. I let her listen to a song I had on my IPOD and held her hand.

The next night I came back this time with my dad who had not seen her in 25 years.. He stood next to her bedside and prayed.

I stayed there for an hour after everyone had left. Next to... this now incredible person... not the turbulent depressed life destroyer....no now I sat next to pure love... all of her fight.. Search.. Manipulation....was gone... she was not her name..identity or history.. All she was in that hour was love...

What I felt with her in that hour was similar to sitting next to the most peace anyone can know. It was the peace that creates the sunset and the rainbows... the love that makes tears flow and musicians play. She was all of this and more. The room was filled with light and love and the essence of a never ending massage. She told me she has always loved me and that I have been a good son. I sat with tears in that moment.

The next morning I got the call from my dad that she had passed at 8am (half an hour ago). I knew it too... during that time I was in the gym and remember tying to work out and suddenly filled with tears.Our connections with life and others can not be denied

After hearing the news I knew she was not dead. What I felt and stood next to the night before DOES NOT DIE. It was the Oneness itself pure and true. This oneness is the same that I experience in all I see... hear and feel everyday. This Oneness is the same I fell into two years prior to her death that awoke me from my dream and thoughts. Mom became this fully and aware of it then the body passed on.

Today she is still with me everywhere in deeper levels and pure. Just as a flower opens up the spaces of life to reveal its beauty... moving space aside for space itself... we too open up space within and color our world with clarity. (I am having trouble putting into words what I sense.. I will try later)

My message for anyone who reads this is that we don't die. How can love not be love? How can anything be outside of Peace.. Be outside of itself? How can That... the silent beauty we are become not? The connection and warmth you feel with others is... you